Remembrance

I remember you by your blue ribbon.

When I saw you, may it be in the hallway in between classes or after school when I watched on as an outsider, you always had that blue ribbon.

I remember when you got it.

I'd given it to you on your eighth birthday amidst the candy colours and chocolate cake and streamers. You'd had your mom tie it around your ponytail because every time I tried, it slipped through my fingers.

I remember where it was that night.

You'd asked me to meet you by the creek, our place. You figured we were drifting and you were scared. I'd sat there uncomfortably on the pointy rock - you didn't notice, but I always saved the flat one for you - and listened as you explained that we were just so different now.

I remember how it swished with your wrist, where you wore it, as you walked down the hallway the next day.

You had a happy smile on your face as you skipped to your perfect boyfriend and your perfect new friends. You didn't notice me staring, but you caught me once before class. You had tugged on the ribbon twice and turned away.

I remember how it feels in my palm, today.

It turned out, you lived in your perfect life and went to what I'm sure was supposed to be a perfect party. I'd been hidden in the shadows, the uninvited ghost watching your every move, and I'd seen you go up stairs. There was a crash in the kitchen and suddenly everything was a blur of orange, yellow, and red. But I only noticed one thing. You weren't wearing the ribbon.

I remember how people tell me I'm lucky.

But I don't want to be lucky, and I don't want the ribbon. It's yours. It doesn't fit on my wrists and it slips from my hair. It isn't long enough to fit in my belt loops, and it's too thin to be a shoelace. It didn't feel smooth in my calloused palms and I hate seeing it on my bedside table.

I remember what it looked like in the dirt.

I left it on your grave, over the newly dug soil. Someone had walked over it and their footprints remained. I rubbed them out best I could. I dug the ribbon far into the ground in front of your tombstone.

I don't remember everything about everything.

I suppose it's because all the space in my cerebrum is taken up by my remembrance of you and your dirt-covered ribbon and how much I know I'll miss you.

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i have no idea where this came from or even what it is.

just. yeah.

i hate the ending, and im really not sure about the whole of it. opinions and concrit welcome.

-Mari.