I Want & Unworthy

I want to be that pretty thing
That everyone buts on their trophy shelf.

I want to be the fragile thing
That everyong would protect.

I want to be that pretty thing
That no one would hurt
Because they wouldnt want
To see my pretty face cry.

I want to be that angry thing
That everyone is afraid of.

I want to be that scary thing
That everyone stays away from.

But, most importantly
I want to be that something
That you hold close to you
And think about as you drift to sleep.

I want to be that perfect thing
That everyone would be in love with
Scared of it
Evny it
Hate it.

I want to be that thing
That gets to be alone.
{*}{*}{*}

Not sure what that is.
{*}{*}{*}

The baby bird had always known, truly, that she wasn't good enough.

It didn't stop her from digging for proof, though.

The first time the baby bird saw them, she'd though they were an illusion.

Something so perfect, so ethereal, that it just had to be a work of fantasy and not reality. Reality was never that pretty.

She wanted to be like them. She wanted to impress them and have them like her. The baby bird thought about them constantly. There was an unmistakeable draw to them.

The baby bird coveted that draw, that sense of perfection.

She started by studying them. How they ate with such dignity, instead of her pig-like manner; how they flew with such grace at such a young point in their lives, instead of her clumsy half-flight; how they chirped in high, beautiful, tinkling sounds, instead of her annoying sqwuak.

Every single thing about them was better then her. The baby bird wanted to be like that.

She continued by changing her appearence. She washed herself with new, clearer, water, and rolled around in berry juice to dye her feathers.

The baby bird thought she looked goofy. But if it worked, she would accept it.

Next, she slowly worked up the courage to talk to them. At first she sqwauked out her words horribly, but gradually, with practice, her speech improved to almost their level.

They started letting her into their circle of perfection. She became exactly what they wanted. She changed everything about herself; just for them.

It turned out that even when the baby bird still did all of those things, she still wasn't good enough. They didn't like her, they just put up with her.

But the baby bird was in too deep. She lost herself to the new bird she'd created.

The baby bird learned exactly how unworthy she was.
{*}{*}{*}

Again, no idea what that was. :/ I'm weird :/

xoxo

-{mari}

If Anyone Asks...

If Anyone Asks...

If anyone asks, say I'm in the stall to the left.
Tell them I'm busy and not to come in.
Tell them not to worry about my bloodshot eyes, Reassure them that I'm fine.
Fake it for me, baby.
Surely you've picked up a couple of tricks from me.
Do this for me.
Make me proud, baby.

If anyone asks, say I'm at the table to the right.
Tell them if they come over, expect a fight.
Tell them I have my back to them for a reason;
Away from the light.
Don't fake it, baby.
Surely you know what it did to me.
Do this for me.
Make me proud, baby.

If anyone asks, tell them not to ask again.
Tell them I don't need their help.
Tell them I don't want their help.
Don't fake it for me, baby.
Surely they've picked up on the lies by now.
Do this last thing for me, baby.
Make me proud.
———

I wrote the first paragraph a while ago, and I decided to make it a song-like poem. Here's what I have so far.

I may add to it...

xoxo

-{mari}

Be Proud.

Proud

Be proud of me, okay?
I did what you wanted.
So stop, please stop.
This was what you wanted, right?

Be proud of me, alright?
I did what I wanted.
I want to stop, please stop.
This is what I wanted, right?

Be proud of me, please?
I did what we wanted.
Then why won't this stop, please stop.
This is what we wanted, right?
————————

I don't know what this.

Makes sense, I guess. I don't know much these days.

xoxo

-{mari}

Postsecret

I remember talking about them. In fact, I post my favorites every Sunday Secrets. I decided to make one. I'm aware its not like most. But I like that about it. That's my secret and I'm sticking to it. It wouldn't be sent, anyway. I'm too young to count in this word.

xoxo

-{mari}

One more Banner and pictures.

All of the nail pictures were requested and the sneakers and banner I made/took on whims.

xoxo

-{mari}

More Banner-type-things.

Lately I'm just in the mood for making banners, XP Both of those, and the fahsion portrait one are not up on dA...because they suck, and they are not art, i don't think. *shrug*

xoxo

-{mari}

Banner-type-things?

I guess you could say those are banners. The top one is a few examples of my fashion portraits, and it isn't on DA because...I dont think its good.

The second, however, is on DA, and it is my new ID. I like it loads.

Basically, this is all the result of boredom :D

xoxo

-{mari}

Insane.

She stared ahead. Her head was pounding and she was trying to make the noise fade away. A permanent, gruesome scowl was plastered on her face as her stomach locked and her eyes tingled.

"Today, we are drawing religious figures. Start with that stain glass pattern, Angel, so you'll finish." The teacher said, giving a pointed looks towards Angel.

Angel swallowed, nodding. What had possessed her to make such an elaborate and time-consuming pattern? She did not feel like coloring. In fact, all she felt like doing was blowing up at everyone and enjoying their pain instead of her own.

She choose her colors-using markers, because for sure she would break the crayons-and started.

Around her, chatter was picking up between her classmates. They talked endlessly, but for some reason they kept re-telling the same jokes.

Routine.

She didn't find stuff funny once she'd laughed at it five times before. Especially when she had no idea about what they were squawking about now.

She was in no mood for laughing.

As she started coloring, the talking finally became background noise.

But she wasn't allowed peace. Her head was still pounding, its thought process making her grimace. The voices outside may have faded, but the voices inside were just getting started.

"What are you doing? Coloring?" One of the crueler voices scoffed. "Why not say something different to shake these people up?"

Because I don't want to hurt them! She screamed back, but only in her mind.

"Why not? They've hurt you. You're not happy. And you know it."

STOP! Angel's eyes stung more. She didn't want to listen anymore.

"Angel, I can't find your paper." Her teacher said, snapping her from her thoughts.

"Oh. Mine's the one cut all crookedly." Angel said, her voice sounding dead to her own ears.

"Ah, I see." The teacher pretended not to be disappointed in Angel's lack of art talent. The teacher handed her some gold paper, "Here."

"That's it. Thanks." Angel smiled as convincingly as she could. She gave a short laugh, "I cant cut for my life."

"We both know that's not true. I happen to think you re very good at making those red scabs on your arms." A voice said in Angel's head.

Angel held in her sob. She didn't bother thinking anything back. It never made the voices stop anyway.

She focused on coloring again. Soon, it was just her and her picture. She bit her lips, trying to keep the picture neat. But the marker kept slipping outside the lines.

Soon she was frustrated. Suddenly, all she was focused on was making this picture perfect. But she knew it wouldn't be, since anything that came from her was never perfect.

Angel put down her markers as she heard the teacher say to go back to class. She got up, bumping into her friend. She didn't bother apologizing, and her friend gave her a dirty look.

"See, she doesn't like you." The voice said again.

Angel bumped into her friend again. "Sorry," she tried to say, but she ended up just mouthing the words.

She couldn't say them, because it was a lie. She wasn't sorry.

She was insane.
{*}{*}{*}

I didn't know how to end it. I wrote it when I got home from school. It's a biography, by the way. I'm sorry if its horrible.

I won't be posting on my personal blog, so I just thought this would tell you how I'm feeling right now.

xoxo

-{mari}

LATEST CHAPTER OF SUPERBIA!

i know i barely ever post my stuffs on here, so here's my latest chapter of superbia. heckofa long one!

----

“Think I should go upstairs now...rest a bit...” Jasper's voice was quiet, below a whisper.

Carlisle nodded. “I was just about to suggest that. Emmett?”

“It's okay, I think I can do it.” Jasper laughed weakly as Emmett walked over to him, trying to make his fatigue look like nothing. I held his hand as he swung his legs over the side of the sofa, and stood shakily. He paused as if to test himself, then nodded. “I'll be fine.”

I held his hand as we walked slowly up the stairs. Once we got to our room, he looked more exhausted than ever, and I bit my tongue in worry. I helped him down onto the bed and he sighed, resting his head against the black and silver covers.

“Shall I stay?” I asked quietly, stroking his hair away from his forehead. I spoke in a whisper without even realising it – he seemed so fragile that my words might even break him.

“No, love.” He whispered back, leaning into my touch. “I'll be too distracted if you're here. You go and say hello to Alice, she probably wants to speak to you.”

I nodded, and kissed his forehead before leaving the room.

Alice was waiting downstairs for me, wrapped in Flynn's embrace.

“Can we talk, Al?” Alice said to me. I frowned- I was about to say the same thing. “Yes, Bella, we can talk.” She continued. “Spare room? Sure!”

I started laughing. “You never had any patience.”

“Sorry,” she giggled. “I want to talk, and I didn't see any point in waiting!”

We went upstairs to the spare room, on the same floor as Jasper and I. The room was decorated black and cream, and I felt comfortable in it – when Jasper and Emmett were out sparring in the back garden, making sure they didn't 'forget how to fight' (which I knew was just an excuse to tackle each other), I would watch out of the window, contenting myself with gazing at him – I spent a lot of time here.

“Well...” I was awkward as we sat down on the bed – it had been such a long time, and though we'd left on good terms, it had still been incorrect.

“I'm so glad to be home.” Alice was wistfully inhaling and looking around the room. “Esme outdid herself with this one.”

“I know,” I said affectionately. “I think all of our houses became some kind of a project for her.”

Alice nodded, and I knew we'd soon be getting past the small talk. “I...I want to explain things to you. To...repair everything.”

“I want to, too. I didn't want to hurt you Alice, ever.” My forehead crinkled. I wondered if she was...okay, now. Could someone who'd been as...broken as Alice ever be repaired?

“Would it help if I told you what I'd been doing? Then you could tell me?” She asked tentatively.

I nodded.

She inclined her head, and began. “Well, after we left you guys, Flynn thought I should be given some time to adjust...I'd told him that I wasn't stable mentally, but he said he would look after me until I felt better again. So we've spent the first few months in Scotland, then once I was feeling better, we moved around a little. We often had to stop in with the Volturi for Flynn to check in, and I always went there with the hope that they might have seen you, but Aro said what with the new technology coming out, less and less vampires were being turned and therefore less and less vampires were coming to him with powers, so he hadn't seen you.”

“I thought it had been too long...he could've told me!” I said exasperatedly. “I mean, I am his equal, he should be getting in touch.”

“I think he's just worried about this technology crisis...I don't know what we're going to do...”

“I know,” I sighed. “I think Jazz wants to go and see some guy who used to do our passports about it, maybe get him to fit us some chips or something.”

“How is Carlisle managing?” She wondered out loud.

I grimaced. “He has to jump in through the window every morning and hack into the systems to make it seem like he checked in. I think he's getting tired of it, and if someone catches him out then he may have to stop working altogether, not just her.” The prospect was daunting.

“But anyway, we travelled by foot constantly, and sometimes it was tiring, but when you get to see it all, Bella...it's beautiful. All of the oceans and the deserts at night, and the monuments...” She sounded wistful for a moment. “Then, I met up with Edward in Denali. We were going to see if Tanya had any idea where you all were, as I barely get any visions concerning the family until immediately before the event – thanks to you – and when we got there, he was just leaving to see you. He gave me the address, and we felt obligated to stay with Tanya and the family for a few days before coming down.”

“So...your life has been pretty...” I struggled to find a word.

“Normal, really.” She laughed. “I've found Flynn, travelled...it's been great!”

“Al...I really don't mean to be cruel by asking you this, but I can't help it...”

“Bella, stop rambling.” She laughed. “Spit it out.”

“But you were crazy!” I blurted, exasperated. “Erm, I mean mentally unstable.” I covered quickly.

“No sweat Bella,” Alice let out a few peals of laughter, and I wondered whether it was at my slip, or at her own new phrase. “Well...gosh, you're going to think I'm stupid.”

“Not in the least, Al.” I assured her.

“Well, around the...fifteenth year of yours' and Edward's marriage, Jasper was getting very restless.” I remembered this time well. I'd grown closer to Jasper during the tenth year of mine and Edward's marriage, and five years later when we moved to New Zealand, Jasper was beginning to get very restless, spending less and less time with me and the rest of the family, especially Alice. “Obviously, I knew what it was about. Spending time with you was taking its toll on him; instead of him coming back to our room with a smile like a Cheshire cat and wanting to tell me all about things you'd talked about, he'd come back with a blank look on his face...he looked so empty inside. And he'd just sit on the bed like he had no more reason to live. Those times were even harder than the times when he'd come back happy.” Alice's expression was far off in the past, and I wiped at my eyes so that my tears wouldn't betray me. It must have been so hard for her.

“I'm sorry, Alice.” I whispered.

She gave me a half smile and waved her hand. “It was never your fault. His nor yours, I see that now. It was how our lives were meant to play out....I'll explain my theory on that later. Do you mind if I continue?” I told her to go ahead, and she carried on.

“On the 15th of August – I know, it's weird that I remember the date, but it was important, I guess. Anyway, he came back at three o' clock in the morning after talking with you. He was miserable, I could almost feel it coming off him, even though he was trying to reign it in. He was so quiet and empty- he just strode over to the bed and laid down beside me, and I hated seeing him like that. So I turned my laptop off and laid down next to him.” She paused there, swallowing.

“Do you...do you mind if I show you it, instead of telling it?” Alice asked tentatively. “I..I don't think I can.”

“Yes, of course.” I said, grasping her hand. I was a sick, sick person to have done this to the people I love.

I tuned into her mind with a little difficulty – I hadn't been practising my powers much, and they were slowly ebbing away. For instance, I didn't hear the 'lie' inside my head any more, it was only there very faintly if a lie was told, and I did not pay much attention to it.

Her mind was not cloudy, and I realised as the memory began that it was one she had perused quite extensively.

“Jasper,” she breathed, holding her hand out to him. He sat up and they faced each other. It was obvious in her gestures how much she still cared for him, and I felt a clenching in my chest for her.

“I'm sorry, Al,” he said, rubbing his temples. “I shouldn't be coming back here all...torn up like this. What have you been doing?”

“Jazz, don't bother. If you must know, I've been looking at some Louboutins. But that's not what I want to talk about.” She looked down, and I felt the pain she felt through the memories. I let a strangled noise escape me. How could I have done this to her? To him? “Jasper, what are you going to do? Carry on torturing yourself like this, letting yourself feel these emotions for her then just walking away? You can't carry on doing it, it's tearing you apart! She has a husband, Jazz. Just like you used to have a wife.” I was momentarily stumped at her comment, and realised that they must have divorced without telling me. “She loves him. She felt something for you too, once, I know that. But she doesn't remember it, Jazz. You can't carry on hoping, you can't carry on spending time with her and falling more in love when she loves someone else!”

“But he's no good for her!” Jasper's jaw was clenched, and the words slipped out through his teeth. “He lies to her, Al, all the time. He lies and he's cheated, and she loves him still because she doesn't know any different! If she knew...she'd love me. I know she would.”

“Jasper...don't tell yourself that. You have to let go.” Alice's plea was quiet, and I felt the pricking at the back of her eyes and the swelling of her throat – she was going to cry. “You have to leave her alone. She's happy. You need to let go, you deserve to be happy too.”

“I can't be happy.” He argued.

“You can be happy. You and I will leave here, we'll go half way across the world if you want, we'll travel. I don't expect anything more of you than friendship, of course, but we can get away. You won't have to see them together every day, you can finally let go, and be happy. Isn't that what you want?”

“It's not that I don't want to stay with you Al...of course, you know I still love you..but there's something about her. The love I feel for her...it overwhelms me. I can never take my mind away from her, ever. And I know, even if we went travelling, even if we left here, even if I turned back time, I'd still want her. I can't be happy without her Al, I just can't.” Alice grabbed his hand and held it tight in hers; he squeezed back. “I want to be happy. I want to make you happy. But I can't, not now. Everything has changed. I...unless I can have her, this is how it's going to be. I'm always going to be like this...it's like there's nothing inside of me, it's like she's stolen everything that I was...” He trailed off and buried his face in her neck. While a warmth spread through me to know how much he loved me, more pain overwhelmed it.

“If I could take your pain away, Jazz, if I could take it all away, so you'd never feel this way again, if I could make sure you didn't need her, if I could take away all the weight this love has put on your shoulders, I would. I would do anything. I'd pay, I'd plead, I'd give up my own life if I could just take all your pain away.” Her arms wrapped around him and held him tight while his body shook with suppressed emotion. “But I can't. I wish I could.”

They held each other for a while, and Alice moved on to later the same night.

“I'd do the same for you, you know.” He whispered to her. “All I want is to make you happy, Alice. I...if I could change it all, if I could go back and never fall in love with her...”

“You'd never do it. It's okay, Jazz. I know how you feel about her, you don't need to tell me that.” He didn't lie, just nodded against her slight shoulder.

“I wish I could change it, though. I wish I could keep her, but never hurt you. I really do love you, Alice. I really, really, do. I just...I love her too.”

“You love her more.” Alice corrected quietly. “It's okay. I understand. You feel about her the way I feel about you.”

Jasper sobbed loudly and gripped her around the waist. “I'm so sorry, Alice. I'm making you miserable, only because I'm miserable. I'm trying to endure, for you, for her, for everyone. I'm trying to show them I can go on without her. You're stronger than me...you make it look so easy to live like this.”

“I know. I'm trying really hard, and keeping all of it inside hurts.”

“Tell me, then.” He whispered.

“All I want to do is be with you, and only you. I don't want to be with you, but know your thoughts and feelings and heart are all about her. It's just...I'm standing here, and I hate it. All I want is to be her. To be...the one you love. I have to pretend that I don't really care that you love her so much, but...I can't. I love you Jasper, I love you so much.” I was such a horrible person. I had inflicted this upon them; and they would never forget it. Time could never heal this for them, they would always have the memories. “I kept on trying to convince myself that you were confusing your feelings, I kept on lying to myself that it didn't matter if you loved her, because you always came back to me. And that I got that divorce so that when you fell back in love with me, our wedding would be more beautiful than any on the planet because I would be happy again.” Jasper had moved, he was holding her now. “Tell me the truth. Tell me that everything I just told you is lies. I need you to tell me.”

“Alice...” Jasper knew it would hurt her.

“I need it. I need to know, I need to let go.” She whimpered.

“None...None of it is true, Alice. I never confused our feelings – hers and mine – with the truth. They were there, I know it. And I only come back to you because I've got no where else to go.” They were both shaking with emotion now, dry sobbing as they clutched each other and Jasper broke apart Alice's façade. “We won't ever get married again because if I am getting married again, it will only be to her. I love you, but not enough to make you happy again.”

“Jasper...I think...I think I'm going to die.” She pushed the words out of her lips with difficulty.

“Don't be silly, Al.”

“I'm..I'm not. I feel like my entire body...every atom...it's all breaking apart...it's...” She trailed off and sobbed, and my entire being shook as I held my lips as tightly shut as possible. They held each other for a while longer, and watched the sun come up before being hidden under cloud.

“I think you can do much better than me.” Jasper whispered to her. “After everything I've put you through, you can...you can find some one better than me, some one who can make you happy again. I can't do that.”

“You can help me accept it, though...You're helping me accept it.”

“I love you, Alice.” He whispered it so quietly that Alice and I almost missed it. “And even when I'm with her, I love you. When I am broken up because of her, I still love you. But...I can't give you my all. It's not fair to either of us.”

Alice chose this moment to get angry, and I felt it boil in her. “What makes you think that us not being together is fair? You're never going to have her anyway, Jasper! You're never going to be with her while he's with her! You have no chance! You're just fooling yourself, tearing yourself apart for her! She doesn't love you, she doesn't remember loving you and she never will! Not while she has him!”

Jasper cried out, and I realised why this seemed so familiar.

“Who are they arguing about?” I whispered to Edward while we lay in bed after lovemaking.

“There used to be a girl Jasper loved, still loves...and she doesn't love him any more. She's got someone else...”

“He told me she'd died!” I said, confused.

“He likes to think of her that way. Dead. So he can pretend she didn't leave him out of choice, she left him because death took her.” Edward and I went hunting then, to escape the screaming and shouting from upstairs. Which is why I probably did not remember the rest of the conversation Alice was about to show me.

“Do you think I meant to love her, Alice? Do you actually think that day when you all stupidly left me alone with her, that I expected her to get drunk on alcohol Emmett had left her on your request, because you thought it would be funny, in case you don't remember? I had never been close to her before! She was so warm, and there was so much love and attraction pouring from her like a damn river of blood!”

“Jasper...”

“NO! Don't go telling me what I'll never have! I know I'll never have her, and I don't need a reminder from you!” He was silent suddenly, and I realised it was because Alice was sobbing, her body shaking like there was an earthquake.

“What can I do, Jazz?” She asked. “What can I do? If I can't deal with you coming back to me broken up, and you can't deal with that...”

“I can deal with it.” He argued. “I just can't deal with inflicting pain on you.”

There was a silence, and I realised that they were both understanding that one of them would have to move out. Jasper broke the silence first.

“You love this room. I'll ask Carlisle if I can move in to the spare room.”

“I'm sorry, Jazz.” She whispered, putting her dainty hand on his arm. “I love you.”

“I know, Al. I'm sorry too.” He got up off the bed and she jumped up. They hugged, and even though I felt unbearably guilty, I couldn't help feeling a little jealous that he was hugging her. What a bitch I was.

“Jazz..you know this isn't going to solve it. We're still going to be around each other, we'll still have to be tortured.”

“What do you suggest?”

“I...can feign insanity.”

“You can what?” I knew he'd heard her perfectly the first time, just as I had. Neither of us wanted to believe it, least of all me.

“Now that I've made the decision, I can see it's best for me. And for you. I won't ever have to come out of my room, neither will you, and she can come and visit you...she will come and visit you. Always.”

Jasper's face was pained – I could only imagine what he was feeling. To pretend his sister was insane, just because he was breaking her heart?

“We have a deal, then.” He whispered.

“Deal.”

Her memory finished and I found myself sitting back on the bed, legs crossed as I had been earlier. I felt like I'd aged years in those minutes. Alice was patient; she waited until I could speak.

When I finally found my voice, it was loud. “Alice! How could you? You were so convincing...so scary, so...you killed someone, Alice!” She said nothing, so I continued, frustration building in me. “You ripped him apart! I was there to clean up the damn pieces, you ripped him to shreds! And your eyes were red, so don't say you didn't drink his blood! A life, Alice! A life lost because you were pretending to be insane! Did you ever think about what kind of impact that would have on the family? We were all terrified of you, terrified you might lash out! You tore the family apart with this stupid insanity act!”

“No, Bella. You tore the family apart when you fell in love with Jasper.” I was silent, embarrassed. I had no right to be shouting at her when she was absolutely correct in what she said. “But no matter, that's said and done now. I'm very happy for you. But...to start off with, it was just an act. I spent plenty of time in an asylum as a human, I guess I harnessed some of that.”

A haunted look came to her eyes, and they darkened a little until they looked almost brown. “I remember it all now, Bella. The electric shock treatments. The beatings. The pain.” I wrapped an arm around her and she shook her head as though she were trying to rid herself of the memories. But they'd always be there, now. Just as mine were always there.

“They kept me in a dark cell most of the time, and the humans heckled at me. They would shout at me, scream all the time...tell me I was possessed by evil spirits, some kind of a witch or an evil being. They'd tell me I was the spawn of Satan, an abomination. Apart from the vampire...do you remember James telling you of him?”

“Of course,” I murmured, horrified by how they treated her.

“His name was Dr. Walter Vane, and he was the main medic in the hospital, having been there the longest. The asylum was far out from any kind of civilization, and no one questioned him. There weren't many staff.” Her voice was melancholy, her mind far off in a different century that she'd only just remembered.

“The more advanced patients – myself being one of them – were subjected to the electric chair. When I was...reliving it all, I felt it, the electric current buzzing through your body, like bees were collecting nectar from my veins. I would beg the nurses and carers to stop, I would scream at them to stop...scream so much that my ear drums felt as though I was screaming directly into them. Every noise would filter through the chair, and my body shook against the metal arms...I was strapped in...They'd stop it before I died, of course. Sometimes I would lose consciousness.” She drifted away, and I reached a hand out to her, and she seemed to start back into the present. “Eventually, he fell in love with me. I didn't know that, but I knew he liked me. So he stopped the electric shocks, and just left me in my room all the time. There were no windows, but he would visit...” I wondered if she saw him like a father, or an unrequited lover.

“So...so when I was pretending here, I tried to make myself seem fragile and dangerous...and then I started thinking like that...I was constantly paranoid. If I ever saw you or Jasper together, or heard you, I'd get angry. Very angry. Soon enough, it took over me. I was like some kind of monster...vicious, estranged, paranoid. I kept on thinking I was hearing voices, voices telling me I was worthless. But when I screamed and begged Edward to tell me he heard them too, he said he only heard my own voice inside his head – it was me, it was me inventing the voices and giving them my voice. Which terrified me further.” She swallowed noisily. “And the therapist was...an accident. Do you remember who took me to see that therapist on the day I...did it?”

I thought back, and found myself starting. “I took you. It was me. I took you.”

I wasn't the only one who'd taken her, though. We both knew that.

“Yes, you and Jasper, driving me to my therapist. Oh, happy families...” She laughed. “I was angry. Why was she in the front seat with my Jasper, while I was in the back? And he was giving her so much attention! 'Do you want me to pull over and drive? Do you need to go hunting soon? Your eyes are getting darker. Me, no I'm fine, don't worry. I can always go while Alice is with the doctor. You can always hang out in the forest or something while I'm hunting...' and she was giving him just as much! How dare she want him and Edward?” I was terrified of the expression on her face now, just as much as I had been all that time ago before I knew. “Oh, and she was simpering, touching his arm, laughing, batting her eyelashes, talking about their interests, and ignoring me. Sitting in the back seat, insane with jealousy. Literally.”

She calmed down a little, and I heard Jasper whisper from upstairs,

“Be careful, Ali.”

She bit her lip, and asked if it was alright to continue. I told her that of course, she should, and decided to settle down and listen, and try to forget my fears if she got out of line a little during her story. She was reliving her life to me, of course it wouldn't all be smiles and rainbows.

I took time to notice the physical changes in Alice. While she never changed, happiness clearly changed her. When I had known her as a human, she had always been happy, bouncing along at Jasper's side, fussy and energetic. Later as a vampire, she constantly seemed troubled, and when she finally snapped, I was terrified of her. Her eyes were dark constantly, even though she'd fed – they seemed to cave in more than was normal, and her body curved in on itself constantly. She looked...protective of herself, defensive and constantly paranoid. She looked as though she were deprived of rest, her eyes always shadowed by her thoughts as they flitted around her head, haunting her. Had she been the same in the asylum as a human?

Now she seemed lighter, her head held higher and her shoulders relaxed. If this was the effect Flynn had on her after all the damage I'd done, I liked him very much already.

“Sorry, Bella.” I waved it off.

“It's me who should be sorry.”

“It's weird...that I can say your name now. Jazz and I would never say your name, never even mention any Isabellas or Bellas. If they had that name, it was forbidden...it was some kind of an unspoken rule with us. It's so easy to say it now...Bella...your name is beautiful.”

“Thank you.” I murmured.

“And now I'm going off the point, aren't I? I'm meant to be telling you my gruesome tale.

“When I got in to the therapist, I sat down on those green plastic chairs he had in the waiting room. The secretary was filing her nails, and the noise irritated me. I was listening to you leaving, you see. You were asking Jasper if it was hard to watch me fall apart like this. And he said it was. But then you'd driven too far down the highway, and I couldn't hear you any more, just a couple talking about how nice the conifers would be in their garden. But I couldn't concentrate on that, or the therapist at the door leading me into his office. I was so focused on replaying everything, every casual touch you'd exchanged in the car, every smile and every breath in the direction of the other. You were so...in tune with each other. Even if you didn't notice it. And then Dr Walters – I find it so curious now that his name had such a connection to my Walter, Walter Vane – and he started talking.

'How are you, Alice?' he said, looking at me through his spectacles, even though they were so far down on his nose.

I said, 'I'm not too great, actually.'

Then he smiled, like it was something good, or as if he'd heard a fantastic joke, and I wondered what could amuse him so damn much. 'Bella dropped you off today, didn't she?' He said it more like a statement, and I wanted to get off the topic of you as soon as possible, but he carried on. 'I saw her through the window, was that Edward in the car with her? They make a fantastic couple.' I frowned, and told him that it was Jasper. 'Oh, really? I could have sworn it was Edward, the way he was looking at her, and she was looking at him...she's very beautiful.'

I was so angry. You and him were staring at each other like damn star crossed lovers, just after dropping me, his wife off to therapy because of you two!

'Yes, she is.' He said to himself. He was a new therapist, if you remember. This was only my second session with him – I had only managed to tell him who everyone in the family was and why they had suggested therapy and what I was hoping to get out of it by the time Carlisle and Emmett came to get me. So, he obviously wasn't thinking, I mean, he can't have been thinking straight, when he said, 'Iimagine that's why Jasper loves her so much...'

And I said, 'No he doesn't. No, he doesn't love her. He says he does, but he loves me. I'm his wife, he loves me! He doesn't want her, he only wants her because she's like a forbidden fruit, because she doesn't want him back.'

'Jasper's your husband?' He was incredulous, and I wanted to attack him for saying so. The anger wasn't something I was used to. 'Is that what the problem is? You think your husband loves Bella?'

And I screamed back, I couldn't help it. 'You told me he loved her, I already know he loves her, but you told me so. You said so.'

“The secretary stopped filing her nails outside to listen. She stayed in her chair. She stayed there for a few seconds, before she came a little closer to the door. To eavesdrop. And then he got this terrible look on his face, this disgusting look of realisation. I saw it before he said it, of course, what kind of psychic would I be if I didn't know that?” She laughed, but it was darker again. “'Have you ever thought, Alice, that maybe Jasper isn't your husband? Maybe you're...imagining it all like you're imagining the voices, and maybe he's Bella's husband?' I really wish I hadn't killed him...I didn't mean to...I just lashed out, scraped at him, tried to stop him from saying them, those disgusting, vile words. They still screamed inside my head, long after his heart stopped beating. It was an accident, I didn't mean to do it, I really didn't mean to!” I wrapped my arms around her, for she was sobbing now, shaking her head and repeating that she had not meant to take his life. “And that secretary...”

“Bianca.” I supplied.

“That was her name? I never knew...She was outside the door, and she saw...the blood spattering against the walls through the glass, and started screaming, so I had to knock her out. When she started bleeding, I thought I might have killed her too, and I got so scared that I took the keys, locked the place up and ran to wherever you were, I followed Jasper's scent.” She was distraught, so I held on to her tightly. I still remembered that day, ingrained into my memory as it was.

A blood-covered Alice running towards us, Jasper launching himself at her at the smell of human blood while he was hunting, me pulling him off and Alice screaming to leave him alone, to let him be; her trying to attack me, Jasper holding her back...

“I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking straight...I shouldn't have attacked you like I did.” Her tremors had stopped a little as I stroked her hair.

“It's fine, Al. I knew...I still know, you weren't in your right mind. It's really helping that I understand what you were going through at the time.”

“I wasn't. And long after that incident, I wasn't. I'm much, much, better now. I'm happy, I feel free. I love Flynn more than anything. I understand now, that this was what was meant to happen.” Her smile was heavenly, sublime. “I wish I'd seen it before, so I could have pulled myself through the pain and the insanity a bit more thoroughly. But I guess that was just part of the process, to prepare me for the future.”

“I'm sorry, Alice...I don't understand what you're getting at here.”

“When I found Jasper...when I saw him in my visions...I just assumed that I was meant to fall in love with him. And when we met, I just thought...I'd been alone for so long. All I had seen was that I was to be with this family – though you weren't there yet, and obviously if you had been I probably never would've made this mistake – and I just...I'd been alone and I was craving someone, something, and he offered me that. He was only meant to be my brother, really. But we both needed each other, and mistook that affection for love. So, the future changed. I would not find Flynn exactly as I have done, and when we finally found you, you would go to Edward, instead of Jasper. Of course, I suppose things had to right themselves, and this is how it played out. At least, that's what I've been telling myself.”

I smiled affectionately, wondering how much time she'd spent working it all out. “You sounded like Carlisle then, you know.”

“I did?” She chuckled. “I've had to be my own Carlisle for a while now, I guess. And my own Esme, and Rose, and Emmett and Edward and Bella. But Flynn covered Jazz.” She joked. “No, really, he covered everything. He was all I needed, but I still missed you.”

“I missed you too, Ali. And you're happy now?”

“Of course. I'm perfect. I feel like I've been reborn, as crazy as it sounds. I'm ready to restart this life, happy and whole. It started with you, Bella.”

“I love you, Alice.” I said, tearing up. “I've missed you so much, I've missed my sister, I've missed my best friend. I'm so sorry I ruined everything, our family, our friendship.”

“It was meant to happen, like I said.” She dismissed it. “I wouldn't be Alice, and you wouldn't be Bella unless we'd had these experiences. It's been preparing us for something.” Her tone was dark, and a seed of dread planted itself inside my stomach. “Maybe...maybe we should leave your stories to another time. Do you want to go and see if Jasper's okay, now? Nosy thing, he's probably feeling better already after hearing all of our gossip!”

I laughed, and heard most of the family laughing too, all sitting downstairs. They probably felt as happy as me that Alice was back and better.

“I was not!” I heard Jasper call. He sounded more lively, so Alice skipped downstairs to Flynn, and I walked down the hall to meet the person who, according to Alice and myself, I was destined to be with.

A Little Sprinkle Of Fashion; Chapter 15: sneak peek.

()()()()

“There, get that!” I pointed over to a bush made of almost every single kind of rose imaginable.

“Got it.” Alice said back, clicking away at her camera.

I used my camera as my second eye, turning it this way and that, making sure not to miss anything fabulous.

“Bella,” Alice said, her voice tired. We'd been taking pictures since about ten and it was three now. “Can we go for lunch, please?”

“Sure.” I started reviewing the pictures as we walked. I put the camera back in picture-taking position.

I bumped shoulders with someone while taking a picture, and I accidentally clicked again as I turned, getting somewhere above the stranger as I apologized. The stranger merely kept walking.

“Weird.” Alice said slowly.

“Yeah...” I started reviewing the newest picture. “Hey, Alice, look at this.”

“What a peculiar color...” She mused, pointing the the golden-reddish-bronze bit I'd captured.

“Think we'd be able to recreate it?”

“It'd be amazing if you did,” Alice agreed.

“It's nice.” I decided. “Just the perfect blend of red, gold and bronze.”

“You've fallen in love with the color,” Alice giggled.

“How can you not? It's amazing.” I said back, slipping the camera in it's case. “To lunch!”

()()()()
———
I do not have writers block for this story now! :D

xoxo

-{mari}

Pretend.

“SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!” She wanted to shout. But she knew better. She knew no one would listen.

People were too wrapped up in themselves to.

She was so sick of it all.

So sick of having to pretend to be a different person just to hold up a normal conversation.

So sick of everyone wanting different pieces from her.

Pieces she didn't have.

Pieces she didn't want.

It was tearing her to pieces.

She was so sick of plastering a fake smile on her face and nodding along with whatever whoever was saying.

Why did everyone want something else from her? Why couldn't the real her be enough?

Why wasn't she enough?

The pieces left to her were cracked and shattered. People didn't want them. They didn't want her.

They wanted their own special version of her to play with and manipulate.

And she gave it to them.

Because pretending was her only choice.
{*}{*}{*}

Wow, that sucks. So bad.

Just excuse it. :/

xoxo

-{mari}

niasblog.

made my new blog, email me up if you want to get permission-to-view!
xxx

explanations

Well, I felt the need to delete my blog because I found that people I do not want to read have been reading, and have been reading for months without telling me. It upset me, a lot, so I deleted the blog.
But I had a huuuge bout of insomnia last night, during which I decided I will repost all of the posts and continue my blog at a different URL that I will post here. Once you have all found out the URL, I will delete the post, hide my blog and make sure it is unsearchable by search engines. Because this constantly happens to me and it is unfair. I'm not being a brat by saying it, because I know it is unfair that my privacy continues to be violated. It takes me a while to trust people, and I don't want this to happen again. I'm sorry that I left so abruptly, that was unfair.
And now, I must leave abruptly again cause me and Jos are watching Doctor Who. Yay!
x

just so you guys know

i've deleted my blog.
just so you guys know. :)
happy new year x